I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
