20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
