there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
