On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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