Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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