there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
