Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
