Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
