the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize