the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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