I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
