I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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