I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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