is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I want a musical about memes.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
