You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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