I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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