My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
