just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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