I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
