Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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