I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
