haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
