If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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