The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize