My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
if only i could text you this smell
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
