Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
