I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
