there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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