Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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