i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
