So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
