I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
