I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
