her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
