I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
