I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
