there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
