my mouth tastes like poor choices
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
