awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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