Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
