she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
