i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
