I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
