foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
