I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.