I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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