I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
