____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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