i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
