She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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