Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
