She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
