Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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