If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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