there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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