i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
