my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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