I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
