I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
