No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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