He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
