After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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